Date: June 1st, 2007

May 31, 2007

Two dimensional

First thing’s first, I read this by ‘Twas Brilling and nodded my head vigorously in agreement:

Alas, it's not the first time. I always kinda had a thing for Eric from The Little Mermaid and Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty.

I mean, have y’all ever seen Eric and taken a good hard look at him? The man is hot and he’s too busy focused on a woman whose options are no voice or no legs when he should be focused on people who are equipped with both. I also am in desperate need of a lobotomy for giving more than 20 minutes of my thought process to just how good looking Eric is.

I’m wondering now if this was/is a problem? He was just very chiseled and put together. Even back then, he totally had the ‘Metrosexual’ thing down pat. Today – again if he were not a two dimensional figure – he’d be great friends with Guiness Girl’s coworker:

Behold, Exhibit B. A crappy picture, but a picture nonetheless. What can I say? My cell phone’s photographic capabilities are somewhat lacking. What you see here is the collection of dress shoes underneath UberHipster’s desk - with each shoe lovingly protected by a cedar shoehorn.

I’m just a girl who is all about men keeping themselves together. I mean if females are all but forced to do so, then men should as well. And that will be the end of my rant on people brought to you by the Walt Disney Company. Just think now of all the valuable brain space has been used to dissect Eric, when I could be contemplating more serious and pressing issues on the silver screen. Like perhaps the use of four letter words in movies:

So much so that I distinctly recall thinking that the movie producers must have hired prisoners to dub in all of the movie’s expletives. It was, I thought, the sole logical explanation, since, in my sheltered mind, only criminals would be so cavalier as to throw such words around. Seriously, I thought this. Convicts. Dubbing curses. Into movies

Perhaps beyond the use of four letter words getting to little ears and being used with such fervor, I should also be seriously contemplating another thing which caused vigorous head nodding. Because never before – or at least never in the past three months – have truer words ever been spoken:

It acts as a dirty version of a Baby Einstein, SPELLING EVERY OTHER FUCKING WORD out for its listeners. By the end of the song, you can spell Fergie, delicious, fergalicious, AND tasty - incorrectly, mind you. T to the A to the S T E Y ? Really? An e? Hmm. Maybe she's been spending too much time being "up" in the gym.

No seriously, I feel like I’m in some awful low level spelling class every time I turn on the radio and the grammatical errors. My lord, not that anything that comes from my fingertips is pristine and Shrunk and White worthy, but dude.Then I feel all inadequate with my flabby abs compared to Fergie’s rather firm six pack abs. So maybe my focus should be more towards that.

Oh I know! I’ll think about puppies! Puppies require the same amount of brain power as gorgeous cartoon men. Or not:

Well don’t let the goofy smile and neglectful chubbiness fool you. Beneath that furry exterior lies a cold-blooded killer. You can almost see it in those icy blue eyes of his. He’s watching you. Waiting. Biding his time. One second he’s playfully humping your leg. The next, he’s devouring your children, like the little steak-flavored rubber squeak toys they are.

At any rate, maybe I’ll focus my thinking power on the Middle East Peace Process or the 2008 presidential contenders or counting Weight Watchers points, but all of those things are better than thinking about Eric with his shirt off.